


an unseemly suggestion

by ellipsesificate



Category: BoJack Horseman
Genre: Gen, Yuletide 2014
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-20
Updated: 2014-12-20
Packaged: 2018-03-02 08:36:32
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,271
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2806244
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ellipsesificate/pseuds/ellipsesificate
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Diane proves to be a good girlfriend and a crafty author.</p>
            </blockquote>





	an unseemly suggestion

**Author's Note:**

  * For [GreenFish](https://archiveofourown.org/users/GreenFish/gifts).



> my first yuletide! hope this works out well enough for the requester.
> 
> i figure this would take place sometime before "live fast, diane nguyen", but i did not have a super specific place for it, so.

“I can’t believe this. You actually aren’t paying attention to me. Incredible.”

“Of course I’m paying attention to you, Bojack.” Technically, Diane wasn’t lying. “The Marisa Tomei sneeze thing. Again.”

Snorting, Bojack set his drink on the table with shot a petulant glance to the side. “Look, I get that you _think_ you’ve heard it before, but you’re actually underestimating what a life-changing event this was. Every time I retell it, I’m actually imparting a new twist that illuminates further details about my psyche, revealing that the story was not an embarrassing blunder on my part but a sympathetic reaction to an unfair world. If you’re as good a writer as everyone says you are, then you’d see that.”

Diane raised her eyebrows, instinctively running through every past rendition of the story before stopping herself and looking down at her laptop. One hand hovered, ready to type, the other tapped the mousepad. “Uh huh. Well, Bojack, as much as I love listening to this story – for the fifth time – I was kind of hoping we could…well, move on to a different topic for a little bit?”

“What?” Raising his glass with a choked laugh, Bojack shifted in his seat, not quite meeting Diane’s eyes. “What, a…a different topic? Why? Am I boring you? I don’t get how you can be bored, but—”

“Bojack, no.” Diane laid her hands flat against the laptop keys, searching the hummed warmth for some confidence as she mentally rehearsed her following words. “There are just a lot of things that your readers are hoping to learn more about, including but not exclusive to the Marisa Tomei incident, and I want us to cover as much ground as possible to—”

The glass came back down harder than necessary. “Oh god, this is about Mr. Peanutbutter again, isn’t it.”

Grimacing, Diane closed her laptop. “Look. Fans have been speculating forever about the exact nature of your relationship—”

“I already relented to you writing a footnote about him!”

“—such as whether or not both of you resent each other for the competition between your shows, and if everything is cool nowadays, and I think—”

“This is a conflict of interest on your part!”

“No,” Diane snapped, one hand brushing back her hair in agitation, “it’s me trying to do my job effectively without bias!”

Teeth grinding, Bojack curled his arms into chest. “What do you want me to say? I don’t resent the guy – I just think he’s incapable of starring in anything that isn’t a ripoff. There, that’s the entire extent of our professional relationship.”

She promised to herself not to argue this too hard – because clearly, if Bojack intended to deny any possibility of friendship, then that was his call, except in the case where other sources disputed this, in which case she wanted a bottom line and if she had to soften Bojack up to get it, well, he might come out happier for it. “Okay, here’s the thing, Bojack – you could just agree to a chapter about the _Horsin’ Around_ and _Mr. Peanutbutter’s House_ rivalry and how this influenced your relationship with Mr. Peanutbutter—”

“His entire career is faked, there, that’s the gist of it.”

“Or,” Diane continued, unfazed by Bojack’s scowl, “you can agree to indulge Mr. Peanutbutter, just once, for a movie night here, in your house, as an extension of friendship, and I’ll drop it. I’ll even relinquish the footnote.”

Silence met the offer – Bojack stared vacantly for a moment, nostrils twitching and mouth moving as he repeated her words to himself. Then he threw back his head and laughed. “Whoo, wow, you sounded so serious there! H-Hey, maybe you should have gone into acting instead of writing, huh. Heh, I didn’t take you for a joker, work some of that wit into my book, will you?”

“I am being serious.”

The laughter broke off into stunted little wheezes, and Bojack dipped his head down to gaze at her directly. _Why the long face_ , she thought, and she was secure enough in her own sense of humour not to share the remark.

“No deal,” Bojack said bluntly. Glass back in his hand, he chugged back the drink until the ice cubes clicked against his teeth. “You have nothing to back this up. What you’re going to put in that book is what I tell you to put in that book, I’m not giving you the chance to gush about your boyfriend in the story of my life, and I sure as hell am not going to fall this. This unseemly suggestion!”

“Well,” and now Diane couldn’t look at him, turning her eyes down towards her clenched hands instead. “You’re going to have to choose one or the other.”

“And why’s that?”

The study door swung open, and Mr. Peanutbutter poked his head in. “Hiya!”

“What!” Bojack shot to his feet, glass tumbling from his hand and sending icecubes spinning across the desk. “What are you – he – Diane!”

Mr. Peanutbutter didn’t step into the room, but continued to grin as though Bojack was not about to choke on his own rage. “Bojack, let me just say that it is mighty kind of you to invite us into your home for a good old fashioned movie night! Now, I don’t want to rush anyone, finish talking about whatever you need, but the popcorn is getting a bit cold, and also it’s been over an hour—”

“We’re just finishing up, sweetie,” Diane said, smiling despite herself. Bojack blurted out a furious whinny. “We’ll be out there soon, I promise.”

“Alrighty, I’m holding you two to that!” And then he was gone, only the pounding of his excited footsteps and a gently swaying door to prove he was there.

Jerking towards Diane, Bojack jabbed a shaking finger into the air. “You set me up!”

“He really wants to hang out with you more often, Bojack! I had to do something to get you to make a choice, if you took the first option I would have told him you cancelled, very regretfully, last minute—”

“That’s not even a deal, it’s just blackmail! Ugh, I feel dirty.”

Her patience cracked. “Well, I’m the one whoring out my authorial integrity so that my boyfriend can enjoy an evening with a guy he really wants to be friends with, so how about we just go out there and at least pretend to have a good time.”

Squinting, Bojack sullenly picked up his fallen glass and trudged to the door. “I’m going to get incredibly drunk, you know that right?”

“Didn’t expect anything else,” she muttered, tucking her laptop and following him into the living room, where they both stopped dead in their tracks. “Oh…oh, sweetie, when I said start making some popcorn—”

“Did you make all my popcorn,” Bojack said breathlessly, ears flicking as he regarded the overflowing bowls and pots and Tupperware containers assembled on the coffee table and the floor.

Chuckling, Mr. Peanutbutter patted the cushions on either side of him from the middle of the bed. “Well, I had to run back to my place to get more, I just wanted to make sure we had enough. So, who’s ready for an Airbud marathon!”

This could work, Diane reassured herself as Bojack muttered something about not having enough alcohol in the world for this as she settled in beside Mr. Peanutbutter, whose arm wound around her waist as the other tried to beckon Bojack closer. Even Bojack had to fall for Mr. Peanutbutter’s good cheer and charm, let something slip, and that will be how she gets the necessary material for her chapter.


End file.
